My favourite ‘what if’

Before you read on, I must warn you. The following was written whilst in the full throes of grief. I haven’t edited it, added or taken anything away. I have left it as it is, as I feel it is a true representation of what was going through my mind as I tried to process what was happening.

I apologise if you find any of this post upsetting, that wasn’t my intention, it is, as all my posts are, from the heart.

Today I became 1 in 4.

Today I joined a club that no woman ever wants to become part of, but I’ve got a lifetime membership

Today I lost my baby.

Today did not start how I thought it would and it ended in a nightmare. I had been walking around in the blissful early pregnancy bubble, my last pregnancy went without a hitch per se, so why would this one be any different? But it was. This pregnancy ended before it had a chance to start, before I had the chance to see my baby on that black and white screen, feel their movements , but my baby existed nonetheless. However short it was, my baby lived. We created a whole life for them, would they look like Elliott? Would we have another boy? Was this one a little girl? How brilliant a big brother Elliott would be and how much we loved this little baby already. And now this life will never come to be. And my life will never be the same. I am touched by a grief and a sadness that is unparallel to any other. It goes deeper than anything I’ve ever felt.

It is not just the emotional pain, it’s the physical. With every twinge and every cramp, every time I go to the toilet and I see blood I am reminded once again that my baby is gone. It’s not a sudden thing that happens and then that’s that, it’s over. It lingers, and it torments. It is raw.

I did not want to speak out loud that my baby was gone, because then it would become too real. I wanted my husband to still be living in a world where our baby was alive and we had a wonderful future to look forward to, just for that little while longer. I wanted to spare him the pain that I was going through, because that world had ended for me. The world I was living in was one where my baby died, my body couldn’t do the one thing that it was created to do, to sustain life. Now we are both in a world where no one knows my baby was even here, let alone that they are gone. To tell everyone my baby existed is to also tell them that they died. I haven’t quite figured out how to deal with that yet. Announcing a pregnancy should be a joyous occasion – it was when I announced we were expecting Elliott but this one will be plunged into darkness and shrouded in sadness

But I will make the announcement, because I wont deny that, even though it was only for a few short weeks, our baby lived. To hide my miscarriage is to hide the existence of our child and I cannot do that. I am still their mother, I still loved them and I will grieve for them

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